Daddy's Girl 101

Today i am thinking about the time when i was 8years old and i was part of this kids club and one of the older members was getting married. We were all invited and obviously i wanted to go. I've always been a person who loves going places. But this wedding was happening on a Sunday, a church day and my grandfather said we were all going to church, end of story. I remember how i cried and whined until he let me go to the wedding (Classic last born behavior).

I got what wanted, what a joy, right?  Wrong. Despite the fact that i was with all my friends, i did not enjoy the wedding. We had to walk an etremely long distance to get there and i specifically do not remember getting any cake which,  at 9years old, was really all that a wedding is about. That and watching people kiss.

I also don't remember how i eventually got back home. I realise now that my grandfather probably already knew that this outing was not worth it and that it would have been better if i just went to church with the family.
I wonder now, if my relation to father figures is any different. Am i still that wilful spoilt girl who always had to have her way or she would throw a tantrum? Do i realize that there is a loving father who knows more than i do.
Thinking back....i probably did not trust that my grandfather only wanted what was best for me.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I made a deal with God that I am going to relate to Him as a daughter does to a father regarding all matters of my life. The problem is that after 25years of being alive, I realise I do not really know how to be a daughter. I have known some good father figures but  ever since my biological father left when i was 5, there has not really been any consistent one. And even if they had been consistent, it was too late. I was operating with a sense of hyper-independence and abandonment since 6years old. Even my grandfather, stable and loving as he was could not convince my 8year old scarred mind that a Father's covering is the best place of safety. I thought my survival was only up to me and that anybody else only wanted to deprive me.

So it is no wonder that after I make that deal with God I hit a brick wall in our relationship which, for the past few months has been really going well. Before I introduced this Daddy-daughter idea I was alright because I had control of the things I value the most and my heart was safely with me. I was able to "worship" to the extent I feel comfortable with and to only allow Him into the areas I feel as though I am okay with. Being His friend was okay but this daughter thing....?
It might just be the most difficult thing I have ever done. It's crazy to think of but a Father-daughter relationship has implications which make me anxious namely; that He is allowed to do what is best for me even if I do not agree, that i am to surrender all my needs and wants into His hands and trust that He will take care of it, that I am not to worry about anything or go around trying to fix things things myself. All the things which capture exactly how I have survived for the past 25years. How do you unlearn behavior that is so deeply ingrained in your neuropathways?
As you can probably guess, I have been very frustrated with it all. The fact that I am not able to do something that I am supposed to naturally be makes me want to kick myself. It almost sounds stupid to put it out there but I am still learning how to be a daughter. Not a good one, mind you, just a daughter. We are still on the level one here.

So I called this post Daddy's Girl 101 because I have found that there are things that are essential to being a daughter that I am yet to grasp. Gaps in my conception of the Father-daughter relationship I have with the most powerful being in the universe that become the source of my inner turmoil on most days. The most basic one, of course, is that I cannot trust God without understanding that He is not just a God in heaven, but He is a loving Father who delights in the wellbeing of His daughter(me). I must intentionally remind myself everyday, whether I am sad or angry or happy that He is my Father and my well-being is his topmost priority. And the truth is that I always struggle to believe this when life is not going my way but it doesn't make it any less true.

Dear reader, I am not one to pretend I have all the answers because to be honest I am figuring it all out as I go. But if you too have suffered abandonment, loneliness, rejection in your life and are in need of genuine love then I encourage you to hold my hand and take this walk to the Father's arms with me. There is absolutely nothing about us and our hearts that He will leave unattended to. He has our best intentions at heart, always.


With love & light
Siboe the Aspiring Daddy's Girl.