A Messy-Middle Epiphany: Hie, I'm an Alltrovert :)

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Welcome to another episode of "Does Siboe finally have her act together?" 

Ladies and gentlemen, i am here to announce that the answer to that question is ...No! At least...not quite yet. But its okay, because i am not in a hurry and i hope you aren't either because this stage of life where nothing is quite "together" and everything is all a hot mess and a half, is where all these good pieces of writing come from. I am a firm believer in that life happens in the "messy middle" as Brene Brown (author of, The Gifts of Imperfection) calls it. The "messy middle" is where i am and although i am tempted to close my eyes and just skip to the ending (what would that even look like?) I wont. I think the messy middle has given me enough gems to make me tarry here.


Okay so now that we have covered the fact that i have zero percent of my act together and i am not ashamed, lets talk about my latest, "life actually" epiphanies.

I recently discovered that i am actually an "alltrovert"(yes, i made that up). This means that i am both an introvert and an extrovert. I discovered this as i was pondering on my personality type, specifically how, on paper, i am actually an introvert but in my day to day life it hardly shows. I actually took the Myer-Briggs Personality Test and discovered that i am an INFJ-T but, the way i live my life lately, is not a true reflection of my introvertedness. In my friend-group (s) i tend to be the loudest, funniest (they are very welcome :) and sometines bossiest. I usually find myself having to make the first move in order for things to happen. I also serve as a youth leader (in the drama department nogal!) at my church so i kinda always have to put myself out there in order for young people to know that i exist and am available for them. Perhaps this specific purpose, and the burden i feel placed in my heart to live my life for others, are the main reasons i found myself questioning this whole introvert business. 

How could God call me to a place where i needed to be the opposite of everything i ever thought i was in order to be effective? 

Honestly, if it werent for the fact that i realised that i have never been this happy all my life, i would have rejected this role. But i love it  here so i decided during a very deep thinking sesh that i am probably an introvert who functions as an extrovert,  because the things i have to do these days do not allow me to  be an introvert, not to mention i am happier when i am being a loud class clown than when i am quietly minding my business (the next blog should be an analysis of whether or not this is an attention seeking thing) BUT, i have just grown to embrace the need to let people in which is a thing that i realize that most introverts dont take into consideration. Don't get me wrong i LOVE my introvert friends and family. I appreciate amd admire your ability to just be quiet because personally! I tend to have A LOT to say and i sometimes end up wishing i could just SHUT UP before i cause people serious hurt but then its like i must just always talk for some reason. So yes you guys have an admirable amount of self-control HOWEVER you tend to ignore the fact that life cannot always be lived in your comfort zone. Sometimes you must just come out and talk to people, be the one to strike up conversation for once. Make that uncomfortable small-talk just to show other people that you are interested in other things outside of what is going on in your head. The truth is that relationships are the conerstone of our lives and we cannot just choose to ignore other people simply because we feel like its not us.


I digress, i did not come on here to write an introvert-hate-speech. 


When i was pondering on my so-called introverted nature, i had to ask myself the questions "who told me that i am an introvert?" , "Does my identity need to be decided by an internet personality test created by a computer that has never even met me?" and "will this title of "introvert" take precedence over who i know i am called to be?". These questions got me thinking that perhaps, that internet quiz lied about me. Maybe i am neither an introvert nor an extrovert and their system has no capacity for someone like me just yet. Maybe, i am just as God has said "..a perculiar person..." (1Peter 1:2) and i fall somewhere in between. The truth is i dont need any of these titles, especially if they force me to hold back on what i know God is calling me to give out more of.


So here i am, in the messy middle. An extroverted/introverted child of God trying her best to be faithful with the lot entrusted to me. I dont know the outcome of this whole thing...maybe i will look back one day and regret not staying in my corner and reading my book or maybe i will be proud that i stood with those young people and made conversation even though it made me feel very uncomfortable at the time. Either way i know i will have served my purpose with all the introverts and extroverts in me.


Try getting out of your comfort zone today, if you are a closed off introvert, try opening up. If you are a domineering extrovert, try listening a bit more. 


May your messy middle experience lead you to your destiny.


Love, Light

Siboe.



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