24. A birthday blog post🥳

 

When i was 20years old, my uncle told me that i was going to change the world (or change some lives, i dont remember the exact wording lol). After that, i hugged my family goodbye and got on a Greyhound bus to Bulawayo, my "hometown". He probably doesn't remember that he said that, but i do. It affirmed my purpose for this very drastic decision i was making (moving to Zimbabwe is not a joke plz🥺). I remember what he said because i realised that to change lives is exactly what i wanted to do.

When i was 20years old, i realised that by moving to Zimbabwe, i had inadvertently handed over the reins of my life to God, and in order to make it through this season of life i had to cling on to him harder than i had ever done before. At some point though, i realised i would not have it any other way and i decided that i want him in control even in the less difficult seasons. Also, i was so very happy!

When i was 21 years old, my perspective on life and purpose shifted and i found myself in the midst of a big adventure in dry old Zimbabwe, and loving it! I got to travel, meet people from other continents and i started doing life with an amazing bunch of people. I also started peforming poetry and i fell in love, something i'd been wanting to do for pretty much my whole life. It felt like my life had meaning all of a sudden and i loved it! I lived out loud and did my best to give my newfound purpose all my energy. I also struggled with guilt, shame and a low self-esteem. I felt ashamed of my win and every poetry opportunity that came after that because i felt like i did not deserve any of them.  I cried a lot, for reasons i did not understand and wrote poetry that communicated something different to the happiness i was experiencing. When i was 21 years old, i did not believe in myself.

When i was 22, i was in love...i think. It was in the middle of the pandemic so it had to be long-distance. And all my friendships were now long distance so i didnt cope very well with that. I survived though, like we all did. I adapted and learned to foster and nurture connections remotely.

I missed my Zimbabwean life a lot, and it felt odd to be away for so long.  I also spent an insane amount of time on twitter which did nothing for my self-esteem but helped me keep the Zimbabwean connections. At some point i wrote three beautiful short stories which were published in an anthology,  joined a program that led me to the job i currently have and decided i needed to speak to a professional about what was going on inside of me. 

I also learnt that my family had changed and just as i was growing up, so was my place in it. The pandemic taught me just how blessed i was to have family and i fell in love with them a little bit because of that.

When i was 23, i went for counseling for a little more than 6weeks. It was the bravest thing i ever did, sitting there in that room telling a stranger all the things i once vowed never to tell anybody. I admitted that i wanted healing and wholeness, but i did not know how to go about it. It helped and i found myself living life again. I did my best to lean into the process and deal with my childhood trauma. I learned to accept who i am and love myself a whole lot more than i have ever done in my life. I told myself to be brave and i tried my hand at most of the things i used to think were out of the question for somone like me. I taught myself to accept love even if i felt like i did not deserve it, because the truth is that we all deserve love. 

When i was 23 i got a job i really love, at an organisation i really believe in. I took a step towards my own financial independence and i am proud of me.

When i was 23, i grew to appreciate my friends a whole lot more. Their consistency and insistence on gathering for every small thing both infuriates me and keeps me going. Being with them  helps me build resilience❤

When i was 23, i realised that i miss my biological mother and that i am still grieving her passing, and that is okay.

When i was 23, i lost the boy i have loved for 4years, and i am still trying to come to terms with that.

When i was 23, i realized that i probably need more counseling, but i could not muster up the courage to go through all that again.

When i was 23, i realised that my relationship with my father is less father-daughter and more, that-one-cousin-you-see-once-a-year at the family gathering vibe and i also dont know how to deal with that. I also realized that i love him all the same, and the rest is up to God to fix.

When i was 23, i learnt that i am a good leader and that i deserve to be in all the leadership spaces i occupy.

When i was 23, i realised i still do want to change the world, but i just have a lot more growing to do.

Now i am 24, and i look back at the past 4years and wonder how i am going to get through the next 4years. I feel heavier now, as though ive accumulated some baggage that i cannot just shrug off. I have a strong desire to do big things, but then, the littlest of tasks feels enormous to me now. Anxiety weighs me down on most days and the mistakes i have made wont let me be free.

I am afraid that i am not serious enough for this next chapter of my life and that i will waste valuable opportunities again. I am afraid that i will never get over my daddy issues and that the next time i love a guy, it will be for the wrong reasons again. I worry that i will never be able to be alone. And i know its wrong to worry, but i feel as though if i dont worry i will slip up. 

However, i realize that all these are the threads of my "worry-woven tapestry" as Morgan-Harper Nichols would put it. These are the things i cannot control, things i promised to place in God's hands when i re-dedicated my life to him back when i was 20.  

So, at 24, i want to continue to trust God just as i have been doing all along. I know i have a lot to unpack and i need to learn from my mistakes, but i also know that i do not regret the Zimbabwean adventure, not even for a minute. I am in love with the journey of my life and in awe of the God who ochestrated my life so that i could experience it, and Him.

At 24 years old, i want to live life, and live it abundantly❤