The Day i Left Johannesburg

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The day i left Johannesburg
I didn't close my eyes and sleep
Or listen to music like i usually do.
I didn't think about leaving and weep
Like i usually do.

No.

This time i sat
Up straight and looked ahead
Through the windscreen i faced
the traffic as though i was the driver
I played choose my car
As though i was five
I drank in the sleek mercedes' and bmws
As though I've never seen them before.
I took pictures
of a sunset I've seen a hundred times before
And a bridge I've walked on  a million times before.
Like a man sentenced to death i looked at everything with an appreciating eye
I imprited an image of Jacaranda trees and a purple sky framing a sleek
newly-revamped mall onto my heart
I didn't ask why
My own hometown can't be like this
I felt grateful
To be able to be here in the first place.

The last time i left Johannesburg
I buried my face in the crook of her neck
and sniffed her sweet, expensive scent
Like a cheating husband i tried
to forget about my own Bulawayo
back home
Raising children in the smoke and dust
I let her make me feel young again
I took mental pictures of her beauty
To refer back to when i forget just how good life is
I'll remember how good it felt to be in her arms.

The last time i left Johannesburg
I licked all the sauce off my KFC burger
And ate all the lettuce too
because apparently my love doesn't make KFC  anymore.
I let my eyes linger on her  body
Mountains like bejewelled breasts
Adorned with bright city lights
Her voice the gentle purr of traffic on a smooth freeway
My own love could never
Outshine her she was like a high fashion model
Glossy and polished beyond perfection
I didn't dare breath in her presence
and i could feel my brain losing oxygen with each minute i spent with her
I wanted to die right there in her arms
and let her bury my head in the crook of her arms
I was prepared to lose my life just for a few more moments with her.

The last time i left Johannesburg
I said i love you.
Out loud.
I told her i have trust issues and abandonment issues,
an inferiority complex and commitment issues
Not to mention i never stay but
right there
in that moment i felt more loved than I've ever been in all my 20 years
I told her that she loved me the way i deserve to be loved
Lots of embracing with no expectations of a repeat peformance
I told her she loved me the way i deserved to be loved
Lots of deep heart-to-heart conversations that make me feel
enough to produce sub-standard poetry
But no hoping and begging me to stay
For longer than i should.
I knew that after that day she'd never text or call
Until the next time i was in the country.

The last time i left Johannesburg
We talked, for hours on end
We asked each other questions
And told each other our deepest secrets
We closed the door behind us
Only to sit far from each other and talk
Our hearts touched while our bodies stood on either side of the room
We tried to define what she is to me
But couldn't reach any conclusion
I tried to ignore the voices that were fighting in my head
Warning bells trying to tell me I'm not the only one.
Or even the one.
They said to stay away from him.
Her.
I mean her.
The last time i left Johannesburg.
She didn't beg me to stay.
The last time i left Johannesburg.
I fell in love.

💛💜💫





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